We Were Born Socially Distant
Social distance for me means being physically apart while trying to stay relationally connected. Henry was born this way. I’d say social distance is the gap between desire and behavior in Henry’s autism. He loves to connect. He just wasn’t born with the tools or innate understanding of how to connect. Simultaneously, he wants to be left alone. He likes to be in a room with his peers doing his thing, but not engaging with them or doing their thing. We call this playing alongside.
Creating that physical distance while making sure the separation doesn’t lead to a social/emotional isolation is the challenge. We need physical distance to survive this crisis and social connection to thrive in the crisis. Here are three Henry tips for ‘playing alongside’.
1. Reach out in your own way.
Henry loves connecting with people. He greets every single person in the grocery store. “Hi, my name is Henry, this is Alice, what’s your name?” He doesn’t quit until he gets an answer. If the person he’s accosted with his greeting doesn’t answer, he heads to the next shopper.
In the last fourteen days, I enjoyed a girls night out group chat via Zoom, a one-on-one coffee meeting standing outside in a park six feet apart, and a call from my parents to join their Facebook live church service.
So reach out and connect in whatever way you enjoy. Don’t worry about what others think. If they don’t want to respond, they won’t and you can just move on to the next shopper.
2. Know this — you’re having a meltdown.
Change is really hard in our autism world. Disruption of schedule leads to meltdowns. I’m pretty sure that you are not biting your shirt collar to shreds or laying on the ground screaming. I’m just as sure that your entire being wants to do that right now. Snapping at the spouse, opening the fridge door too many times, not being able to sleep… whatever your response, remember it’s not you. It’s a meltdown.
Our best tip for meltdowns is to acknowledge them. We say yes to the need for a meltdown, but not always yes to the method. If the expression is harmful to ourselves, others or could break something, we find another way to release our body’s pent up frustration.
Believe me, your body is storing up frustration from having your regular routine altered without your approval. You may not know it but every kid with autism is here to show you that is actually the case. We often take three deep breaths with accompanying arm motions. Or, because talk shows are our world, Henry will say, “Let’s go to break”, cover his eyes and then pull his hands away and say, “And we’re back!”
Acknowledge that your system has been shut down improperly and find a way to restart.
3. Use what you’ve got.
Henry doesn’t have full conversations. Except with my husband Mohamed and for these Henry uses the Sunday morning TV show VeggieTales with Henry as Bob the Tomato and Mohamed taking the role of Larry the Cucumber. Bob the Tomato is a wise sage who helps the hapless Larry by explaining how life works. When Henry met Mohamed, Mohamed was more than a little lost, as an immigrant from Egypt. I think it makes Henry feel good to be the guide. Either way, Veggie Tales ends with Bob & Larry saying, “Always remember, God made you special and He loves you very much.” Which is how every single interaction from Henry to Mohamed ends. So, that’s nothing but lovely.
Use whatever tool is available to you to make connections in this new paradigm. Instead of bemoaning the loss the things I enjoyed — pedicures, happy hour, coffee meet ups, yoga class — I’m forced to use what I have in my reach. I had a few moments of wanting to give up and hide under the covers for the next 14 days. Instead I joined our yoga girls on Zoom and a Facebook group for local artists.
Don’t give up. Stay connected, because we want and need you and your unique gifts. Please give them to us. Because God made you special, and we love you very much.
